Okay, so this one is more of a rant and less of a self loathing post. I’m angry. As I said in the last post I posted a while back, I don’t like the way I look but there is a specific person I’m just st a tad bit frustrated with. I don’t want to put her on blast so I’ll give her a different name for the sake of the post. Let’s call her Sally, (not her real name) So “Sally” comes to visit. The visit at first was pleasant, but then it turned into something unpleasant. Every word out of her mouth was weight related. I know I’m fat, I don’t care to hear about “fitness” “weight” or how my “diet is going”. It’s SHIT, “Sally” SHIT. Can we PLEASE not focus on my flaws?
Also while we’re on this rant, don’t volunteer me for something I’m not comfortable with, I’m not going to go through with it. I promise you that. Don’t talk over me when I voice my concern, I WILL cuss you out, I promise. I’m not what you see. I’m far more savage than you could ever imagine. I don’t tell you shit because you bring up shit at the worst possible times. What you see of me is what I want you to see, don’t assume you know me. Remember that fact. I’m a different person to different people. Only 4 people in this world know who I really am. Everyone else get the side I wish to show them. It’s a defense mechanism, “Sally”. Focus on your own family and not on me next time, Mkay?
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Friday, November 3, 2017
Because it's YOU
Okay so, I have always struggled with the way I view myself, and also the way I'm perceived after like 5 minutes of someone talking to me. I can pick up on other people's "energies" and before you get to thinking "There she goes again, being weird" I notice social ques (if I even spelled that right) and I can tell the difference between someone being interested in what I have to say, and someone who is just "being nice" to shut me up, so I go away and leave them alone. Yes, I see that. Yes, it's obvious. Yes, I'm weird and people "don't have the patience" for me. I get that. I do.
So back to my topic at hand, because this has been on my mind for a few years now, I have a few things I've been struggling with since, uh, as long as I can remember, and they're things I'm pretty much ashamed of. (I've been bullied as a child because of these things) I have epilepsy, which is no secret, I have to take medication for it, otherwise I wake up in the hospital and it's not fun for me, and it's not fun for others around me. The bigger issue I have, and I am ashamed of it, and I don't like talking about it. (I'm putting it in a blog which can probably be viewed by anyone. Way to keep a "secret" secret, right? I don't care.) I also have something called PCOS and it makes me retain weight. I have struggled with my self appearance for years (another thing I was bullied for. YAY! Not.) So I don't see beauty at all when I look in the mirror. I also don't trust compliments, because I don't know if they're sincere, or if someone is mocking me. I basically hate who I am. So I focus on what little talents I might possess. Art is something I enjoy, so I usually view everything like a canvas and if I own it, I will probably try to customize it. (And I got off topic again. I tend to do that a lot)
I feel alone. I know people tell me "you're married, you're not alone." Well, yes, but sometimes I feel like I even get on his nerves too. So I just keep it in. I smile. Sometimes I get frustrated over smaller things, because I'm pretty frustrated in general. (No, it's not my husband, he's great. He doesn't cause these feelings, and generally he's pretty good about trying to cheer me up when he does see me feel down) I know most people will tell me "Welcome to adulthood." but I've seen happy adults. Are ALL adults constantly depressed and self loathing? I highly doubt it.
But back on the topic at hand, a few questions. They're legitimate. How does one "fit in"? How does one NOT get "weird" and annoy the living crap out of "normal" people? Is it me? Is there some sort of que or code I might be missing? Am I just not interesting?
I was vaguely talking about it to my husband, and he said sometimes I ramble, and seem friendly and when someone cuts me off with an "Anyway...." or is all like "That's nice" or "Mm Hmm" I go cold and wall up. Which probably does send a mixed signal too, I guess. So, I guess I've rambled on this long enough, for now. I'm tired of typing and don't feel well. So yeah, those have been some issues on my mind.
So back to my topic at hand, because this has been on my mind for a few years now, I have a few things I've been struggling with since, uh, as long as I can remember, and they're things I'm pretty much ashamed of. (I've been bullied as a child because of these things) I have epilepsy, which is no secret, I have to take medication for it, otherwise I wake up in the hospital and it's not fun for me, and it's not fun for others around me. The bigger issue I have, and I am ashamed of it, and I don't like talking about it. (I'm putting it in a blog which can probably be viewed by anyone. Way to keep a "secret" secret, right? I don't care.) I also have something called PCOS and it makes me retain weight. I have struggled with my self appearance for years (another thing I was bullied for. YAY! Not.) So I don't see beauty at all when I look in the mirror. I also don't trust compliments, because I don't know if they're sincere, or if someone is mocking me. I basically hate who I am. So I focus on what little talents I might possess. Art is something I enjoy, so I usually view everything like a canvas and if I own it, I will probably try to customize it. (And I got off topic again. I tend to do that a lot)
I feel alone. I know people tell me "you're married, you're not alone." Well, yes, but sometimes I feel like I even get on his nerves too. So I just keep it in. I smile. Sometimes I get frustrated over smaller things, because I'm pretty frustrated in general. (No, it's not my husband, he's great. He doesn't cause these feelings, and generally he's pretty good about trying to cheer me up when he does see me feel down) I know most people will tell me "Welcome to adulthood." but I've seen happy adults. Are ALL adults constantly depressed and self loathing? I highly doubt it.
But back on the topic at hand, a few questions. They're legitimate. How does one "fit in"? How does one NOT get "weird" and annoy the living crap out of "normal" people? Is it me? Is there some sort of que or code I might be missing? Am I just not interesting?
I was vaguely talking about it to my husband, and he said sometimes I ramble, and seem friendly and when someone cuts me off with an "Anyway...." or is all like "That's nice" or "Mm Hmm" I go cold and wall up. Which probably does send a mixed signal too, I guess. So, I guess I've rambled on this long enough, for now. I'm tired of typing and don't feel well. So yeah, those have been some issues on my mind.
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